We hear some suggestions for how to amicably co-parent children following a break-up
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We should preface this by saying that no two cases of co-parenting are the same. You might have a fine relationship with your co-parent. You might have gone into it knowing that is exactly what you want to do because the traditional means of raising a family didn’t suit or weren’t available to you, or you might have had an amicable breakup where there were no hard feelings and no major animosity.
But that’s rare and not what we’re talking about today. If you’re in one of those two camps, you might find some points here useful, but mainly they are aimed at two people who should have as little contact as possible. Read on to see how you can make co parenting a lot easier.
Get a lawyer
This should be your first move as soon as the explosion is over. As the dust settles, look into getting a child custody lawyer. It’s important to solidify the arrangements for your child in writing so any future disputes are handled quickly.
The main benefit here is that they will be handled by the court. If you don’t feel safe being in the presence of your co-parent or communicating with them, your lawyer can handle the communication and make sure you always have someone fighting in your corner.
Besides, if you do something wrong that might have been an honest mistake, your co-parent might have cause to fight for custody and win. Getting a lawyer will allow you to not make any moves that could cost you custody of your child.
Find a support system
The golden rule of co parenting is to never badmouth your co parent in front of your children. They don’t need to hear about how their father/mother skipped on a child support payment, didn’t pick them up on time, or has a new partner you don’t like.
All this will do is deteriorate your relationship with your child. If they are going to your co parent at the weekends, doing something fun like going to the zoo and being fed chicken nuggets, and watching a movie at night, yes, they’re going to come home to you and have to do the homework they missed before school tomorrow after a dinner of steamed veggies, and that can feel like you’re the bad guy. They’ll figure it out on their own eventually, that you’ve got their best interests at heart.
In the meantime, create a support system around yourself that you can vent to. Friends, family members, etc. Take what little time you have to yourself to rally the troops. Spend time with anyone who makes you feel validated and go back to parenting having got all the bad feelings out. And if that is a therapist, that’s valid too.
Set boundaries
No matter the nature or severity of your situation with your co-parent, you’ll have to set boundaries. Sometimes these have to be stern, like asking them to not come to the house when not picking up the kids, and sometimes that needs to be enforced by the police. Sometimes these boundaries are about smaller things, like them asking about your life. Stick to these boundaries. If your co-parent has a habit of turning information about you into leverage or punishment, make a habit of as little communication as possible.
But remember that this works both ways. You are no longer entitled to know who they are spending their time with, how they are spending their time, etc. Unless it directly affects the children, don’t ask.
It’s really helpful to parents and nice tips you shared.
Thanks to you. As a co-parent, I learned from your blog how to make my child happy.